How to change your thinking when going through a separation.

Separation and Divorce can be an exceedingly difficult time in life with a great deal of uncertainty as you move towards an unknown future. Often it comes for many by surprise and if you have not had time to get your head around what is happening, it can be down-right frightening. With everything going on you can get swept away by all the tasks you need to do, and "over-thinking" can slip into your day-to-day experience.

Thinking about what might have been or thinking about how things could have been different if you or your former spouse had of been more present or engaged. You can think about how it all went wrong but you should take time to consider what “the blessing” and “the lesson” is to take out of what eventuated. It is quite easy to overthink things the wrong way to the point where your thoughts alone can bring you down, right down. If you do not have much of a support network around you, you are probably even more susceptible to overthinking your situation and going into a downwards spiral for a period, that some people never really pull out of.

However, it is worth taking into consideration some readily available resources at your disposal currently to assist you with your thinking during this challenging time. Two extremely helpful services are those of Hypnosis and the field of NLP or Neuro Linguistic Programming. Based on the presupposition that things are only good or bad depending on the thinking that makes it so, both Hypnosis and NLP reminds us that it is entirely up to you if you would like this period to be a sad, emotional time of great loss or if you would like to change your thinking and get some assistance approaching this period as an exciting time of change that acted as a catalyst to sling shot you forward to a more happy and fulfilling life. I know which one I would prefer. I will remind you again, it is your choice.

Hypnosis primarily works by gaining alignment between your conscious and unconscious minds. Consciously you may be accepting and ready to move on, yet the unconscious mind keeps brining up good memories about better times that can then bring your conscious thinking down making it difficult to move forward. It can feel like your unconscious mind is working against your conscious mind in the opposite direction.  This is where some alignment through a session of two of hypnosis would really help you. A Hypno-Therapist basically talks to you while you relax in a comfortable chair and continues to talk you into a deep trance as you relax more and more. Then, after around 1o minutes, when you are at that point of relaxation just before you fall asleep, the hypno-therapist will start to offer your unconscious mind some suggestions that will guide your unconscious mind to get with the program about moving on. You do not actually fall asleep during hypnosis. It works much the same way Hypnosis helps people trying to stop smoking. Consciously, you know its unhealthy, expensive and makes you a social outcast. Unconsciously, you really love to smoke. The hypnotist helps move your unconscious thinking, so it lines up with the conscious mind.

Neuro Linguistic Programming or NLP could address overthinking and how you are feeling any number of ways. Neuro Linguistic Programmers are trained to uncover your beliefs that are limiting your options and they can uncover what is most important to you. NLP can assist you to uncover the actual order of importance (the hierarchy) of your values in each context of your life. This can make an enormous difference because to know what the order of importance is in each context allows you to make decisions based on what is most important to you. Decisions you have made that didn’t work out more often than not are decisions that violated that order of values so its critical to know yourself and what is most important to you. The reason you are going through separation is because you or your former spouse or both of you are not living by your own values.

NLP essentially taps into your Nervous System which of course controls how you think and how you feel so when a NL Programmer can connect what is most important to you with an enabling belief, you can experience a neurological shift immediately that allows you to move forward, enlightened by having the cross wires (unclear of your values hierarchy) in your head being connected to their correct points.

The truth is, the future is up to you and whilst it may appear there are so many choices available to you now, that were not available before, as a coach helping my clients, I say there is only one option available. 

That is to reinvent yourself and absolutely make sure that this period of separation and divorce is without doubt, the single greatest thing that may have ever happened to you because it was only then that it allowed you to ...  (Story to be continued).

It’s not what happens that matters but what you do when things happen that really matter.


Author - Charles McArthur is a life coach based on the Gold Coast whose program, Change Thinking 2020 assists men across Australia going through dark or difficult times to put their lives back together and live more balanced and fulfilling lives.

This is general advice only and the rates of transfer duty and concessions available will depend on your circumstances. Please contact our office if you would like to discuss the process of transferring a property pursuant to Court Orders further.

This information does not constitute legal advice. You should consult with a lawyer to obtain independent legal advice relevant to your situation.

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